Dr. Sexson said in class today that epiphanies don't necessarily have to do with things of passion, and there are two types of epiphanies the 'Oh!' (smaller epiphany) and the 'ah!' kind (larger, more realized epiphany). For the most part, I would say I have experienced many little 'oh' epiphanies, but I do recall as an English major having a big 'AH!' experience, which led me down the path I am still on today.
I have dropped out of college...twice. For some reason I thought it would be more convenient for me to have more freedom and not be under the strict, watchful eye of my parents (the ones helping me pay for college, rent, etc.). I came to realize being out of school and on my own was not as glamorous as I had hoped. I had no direction; I felt completely lost and like I would never find a path. Anyway, after much thought on my own and the encouragement of my parents, I decided to re-enter school, but I hated being there. I thought all my teachers were mindless and the fact that they actually wanted me to think and work made me want to do less, be lazy. I used to joke about spending tons of money to be a part of the 'MSU Book Club'. I was completely closed off and had a terrible, terrible frame of mind. Last semester, Dr. Sexson told me that no situation can be boring; only people are boring. I was right there, being boring because I was too close minded to find something special in anything. Until I met Kimberly Myers. She came into class and literally blew me away with her passion for teaching and passion for the material she was teaching. We were only in a 200 level class, but she expected the best out of us made me want to be passionate about something again. She made me realize how wonderful the melancholy poets were and I had a newfound respect for poetry, literature, and educators. She was just wonderful! She spent a lot of time teaching us about T.S. Eliot, which is why I was so excited to begin this class with Eliot. I actually have a tattoo on my forearm of three lines from Eliot's 'The Wasteland'. DATTA. DAYADHVAM. DAMYATA. Give. Have compassion. Have self control. It was what the thunder said. I got the lines tattooed so I would always remember the way she made me feel and the things she taught me. I also like the meaning of the words; it's a constant daily reminder to try to live by those guidelines. The self control part is always interesting, but I think I do pretty well with the other two :). Halfway through the semester with Kimberly Myers I had this huge epiphany that I wanted to be an educator like her; I wanted to give to students what she had given to me. She was also my advisor and when I went to her office for my advising appointment, I was so overwhelmed by emotion that I actually broke down in tears in her office. After feeling so lost for about three years, I finally felt some stability in my life again. She gave that to me through her words and the words of the poets she adored.
Epiphanies can be:
1) Said or Heard
2) Done of Performed
3) Seen
My epiphany with Kimberly Myers was seen and felt. I realized all that I had lost and let myself lose before I came back to college and realized all that I wanted to gain. I truly wanted to turn my life around. This passage from Chapter 7 of the 'Wind in the Willows' reminds me of this experience:
'As they started blankly, in dumb misery deepening as they slowly realized all they had seen and all they had lost, a capricious little breeze,dancing up from the surface of the water, tossed aspens, shook the dewy roses, and blew lightly and caressingly in their faces, and with its soft touch came instant oblivion.'
Maybe Kimberly Myers was my 'capricious little breeze'. Perhaps I will be an educator like her. I am currently applying for a teaching position in Guam and am hoping for the best. No matter the outcome, I know I'm so far from where I used to be, and I owe that in part to my professor. In some ways, she brought me back to life.
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